In the history of cinema, there are some all-time great slacker teens, but none may have gone from zero to hero in quite so grand a fashion as Bill and Ted. Bill and Ted introduced many of us to Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter, and it was so popular that they ultimately starred in a trilogy of films, but it’s difficult to argue that it ever got better than one of the best ’80s movies ever, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
The first Bill and Ted movie is nearly infinitely quotable. There are some classic lines here that movie fans still throw at each other to this day. From the hilarious to the surprisingly profound. Here are the best lines from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
I’m Bill S. Preston, Esq.
From the moment we meet Bill and Ted, we know that these two are a bit… different Bill S. Preston would be unique enough to include his middle initial in all introductions, but for some reason he has decided to give himself the title of esquire, despite, as far as we know, not being a nobleman or a lawyer.
Well, How Can We Have Decent Instruments When We Don’t Even Really Know How To Play?
Bill and Ted, like so many young people have dreams of being rock stars. They are so committed, they won’t even let something like an inability to play even get in their way. At least Ted is honest about the fact, however. They really do need Eddie Van Halen.
So Bill, What You’re Telling Me, Essentially, Is That Napoleon Was A Short, Dead Dude?
To be fair, Napoleon was a short dead dude. Technically speaking Bill isn’t actually wrong. Still, Bill and Ted’s history professor is far from impressed. Honestly, if we had to spend a whole school year with Bill and Ted, we’d be exhausted too.
We Are In Danger Of Flunking Most Heinously
Bill and Ted’s slang is so sock-thick in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure that it often gets used in ways that aren’t quite appropriate. Here, however, Bill is quite right. These guys are going to flunk and it’s going to be heinous.
That’s Captain Ahab Dude
Despite being certifiable idiots, Bill and Ted both have flashes now and then that proves they’re not complete idiots. Bill at least can remember the difference between a fictional whale hunter and the first President of the United States. Though this information implies he either read Moby Dick or was at least paying enough attention in class to learn the information, and that doesn’t seem right.
“Remember When I Asked Her To The Prom?” “Shut Up Ted.”
Bill’s stepmom Missy isn’t actually old enough to be Bill’s mother, which makes the fact that she insists on being called that awkward. Bill is unable to handle having a stepmom all the guys in town are interested in. The fact that this includes Ted certainly doesn’t help matters.
Greetings, My Excellent Friends
George Carlin is an icon. Even Keanu Reeves was starstruck by the comedian on the set. Rufus is one of the great highlights of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, mostly because despite the film’s insanity he plays the movie entirely straight. The comedian acts like this line is a perfectly normal way to introduce yourself to strangers, and honestly, it should be.
One of the all-time great quatable lines in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. If you saw this movie in theaters and didn’t start saying it to your friends every time you left a Circle K or 7-11, then I don’t even know what you were doing with your life. Unfortunately, the iconic Bill & Ted Circle K closed a couple of years ago.
69 Dudes
Obviously, Bill and Ted from the future are going to know the number that Bill and Ted from the past are thinking about. Of course, the fact that Bill and Ted from the past don’t even need to discuss what number they are thinking of, is hilarious, as is the fact that Bill and Ted are clearly shook when their future selves guess right.
Gentlemen, We’re History
Delivered any other way, and by anybody else, this line would have been the corniest line in the movie, but somehow George Carlin delivers it was absolute sincerity. An excellently delivered line, showing why George Carlin is actually the coolest guy in the movie. And he looks good in those shades.
Ted, This Has Been A Most Unusual Day
Bill hilariously explains the glaringly obvious. Of course, it certainly has been a most unusual day, though the most unusual stuff to happen to Bill and Ted hasn’t even happened yet.
This Is Deputy Van Halen Down At The Station
Look, Bill was under a time crunch to get Ted out from under his dad, and you can’t expect him to come up with a better alias on the spot. Honestly, though, Ted’s dad really should have been able to see through this one. Has he not even heard his kid talk about Van Halen?
How’s It Goin’ Old West Dude
Ted probably isn’t going to drastically alter the timeline by introducing himself to every “old west dude” that he meets. Probably.
Sounds Good Mr. The Kid
Billy the Kid’s actual name was Henry McCarty, but to be fair, most people don’t know that, so I’m not sure we can blame Bill and Ted for not knowing it either. At least they’re being respectful to the dangerous outlaw by calling him Mister.
All We Are Is Dust In The Wind, Dude
Progressive rock band Kansas, and their hit “Dust in the Wind” doesn’t actually seem like the sort of music that Van Halen and Led Zepplin loving Bill and Ted would listen to, but this just shows that their tastes in music are wider than they would appear. Maybe this is why their own music ultimately brings people together.
Like Sands Of The Hourglass So Are The Days Of Our Lives
The Days of Our Lives joke probably went over the heads of your average Bill and Ted fan in 1989, the moms of those fans who took them to the theater probably thought it was hilarious though.
Billy, You Are Dealing With The Oddity Of Time Travel With The Greatest Of Ease
The funniest part of Bill pointing out that Bill the Kid is totally cool with the concept of time travel is that at no point does anybody have a hard time accepting time travel. Bill and Ted take a minute to believe what they’re seeing which is the most anybody acts in even the slightest shock.
It’s a History Report, Not A Babe Report
Considering these girls were at least noble, there probably is some historical record about them, which would make them worth covering in your history report. I’m just trying to help out here.
How’s It Goin’ Royal Ugly Dudes?
It’s not just the phrase “royal ugly dudes” that makes this one art. It’s the absolutely earnest way that Bill greets them, apparently thinking that calling them this is a perfectly reasonable way to greet somebody who can almost certainly kill him.
I’m Sorry The Number You Have Dialed Is Not In Service At This Time Please Check Your Directory And Dial Again, Party On Dude.
The phrase “party on dude” is apparently so ubiquitous in the future that even the automated phone company recording uses it. Imagine for a second how weird it would be if the customer service person at Verizon said this to you right before you hung up the phone.
He Ate The Pig, Thus Proving That He’s A Zyggee Piggy
It seems like you should get more of a reward for eating that much ice cream than a couple of underpaid employees making pig noises at you but once you’ve heard these guys call Napoleon a Zyggee Piggy (and yes, that’s how it’s spelled, no I don’t know why) you’ll never look at an ice cream sundae the same way again.
How’s It Goin’ Freud Dude?
This one doesn’t work nearly as well in print as it does when you hear it, because in the film, Ted is somehow able to mispronounce Sigmund Freud’s last name so that he rhymes the name “Freud” with the word “Dude.” I’m amazed the sequel to Excellent ADventure didn’t involve them trying to avoid failing grammar.
Want a Twinkie Ghengis Khan?
It’s not the fact that Genghis Khan apparently loves Twinkies that makes this bit so great. It’s the fact somehow this idea makes all the sense in the world. To be fair, who doesn’t love Twinkies?
That Conversation Made More Sense This Time
The scene where Bill and Ted talk with Bill and Ted is one of the highlights of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. It’s a hilarious conversation both times, but Ted likely echoes the audience’s feelings when he admits that it all makes a lot more sense the second time around.
You Ditched Napoleon?
Bill and Ted are right to be upset with Deacon when they learn he ditched Napoleon in San Dimas. Honestly, other than eating all the ice cream he doesn’t appear to have been that bad a guy.
Sometimes the best moments in a movie go to the random extras. This poor jock, who may have been a bigger part of an earlier version of the film based on what we know about Excellent Adventure behind the scenes, is in worse shape than Bill and Ted when it comes to giving his history report. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, so when he gets stuck, he just appeals to basic high school instinct. It was a hilarious moment because we all knew this guy in high school.
We Could Do It After The Report
The time travel rules of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure are, to be clear, complete nonsense. Maybe that’s actually why Ted has a flash of utter brilliance here showing that he understands how time travel works implicitly. This one line sets up one of the movie’s best sequences as our heroes are saved by their future selves doing all the work for them.
Nah, Just Got A Minor Oedipal Complex
Bill and Ted may both be failing history but Bill has to be acing English class since we can only assume that’s why he has a total understanding of the story of Oedipus. We can only imagine that this revelation led to some awkward moments around the Preston family dinner table.
This Is A Dude, Who 700 Years Ago Totally Ravaged China, And Who We Are Told, Two Hours Ago, Totally Ravaged Oshman’s Sporting Goods
It’s probably a bad move for Ted to admit that Genghis Khan was the one who destroyed the sporting goods store. Genghis isn’t going to be around much longer and with the sporting goods store probably looking for somebody to pay for the damage, Bill and Ted are going to end up on the hook for all that.
Beethoven’s Favorite Works Include Mozart’s Requiem, Handel’s Messiah, And Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet
It’s unclear when Ludwig Van Beethoven had a chance to experience Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet during the events of this movie, especially considering the man is basically deaf at this point in his life. Maybe they were playing it at the mall? Still, that album does totally rock.
Be Excellent To Each Other And Party On Dudes
When Bill and Ted say their iconic lines earlier in the film, it’s good. But anything anybody has ever said would almost certainly sound better coming from Abraham Lincoln, and this line is no exception.
They Do Get Better
The ongoing joke of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure is that global harmony was achieved thanks to a pair of well-meaning morons who can’t even play the music that will bring about peace. In the final line of the movie, Rufus assures us it will all work out…eventually. And he was right.
While Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure is certainly the best movie in the franchise, the success of this movie would spawn Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey a couple of years later before the story finally culminated in Bill and Ted Face the Music more than three decades after the first film. We love Bill and Ted, and many of these great lines are the reason why.
