Rolling Stone just published a pretty good synopsis along with an exclusive interview with the brilliant minds behind a track that has been one of the most elusive songs to be identified in history. 

If you’re interested in funny stories, and examples of how humanity can come together over the internet and join forces for good, then you should really read it. 

For you lazy, monkey-brained schmucks who saw porn in the headline and clicked, here’s my two cents on the whole thing.

The hunt for “Everyone Knows That” has been a saga of twists and turns, spanning years of online speculation and tireless detective work. What began as a grainy, 17-second snippet uploaded to WatZatSong by a mysterious figure known only as “carl92” in 2021 evolved into a full-blown internet phenomenon, captivating music enthusiasts and amateur sleuths alike.

(Sidebar – for all the youngbucks out there about to click off of this because it doesn’t make any sense to them. Keep reading and stay with me. What you lucky fucks don’t understand is that back in the day, people took pride in making porn movies. What they lacked (severely) in terms of production quality, clarity and definition, they made up for with storylines, acting, and most of all, background music. For some reason, somewhere along the way somebody got the idea in their head that they shouldn’t have any music to distract or take away from the dialogue, and that they should have music over any and all sex scenes. That idea stuck and you’ll be damned if you can find a video somewhere of Peter North laying the lumber to some babe with a rocking bod, perfect perm, and a landing strip above her box, without there being some cheesy elevator music behind it.)

For ages, the identity of the elusive track remained shrouded in mystery, despite the best efforts of dedicated online communities. But just when it seemed like the trail had gone cold, a breakthrough emerged from the unlikeliest of places: an Eighties adult film titled “Angels of Passion.”

It was here, amidst scenes of celestial seduction and earthly desire, that the true origins of “Everyone Knows That” were finally revealed. The track, as it turns out, was none other than “Ulterior Motives” by Christopher Saint Booth and Philip Adrian Booth, two names that had long been forgotten by the world at large.

(Christopher looks exactly what you’d picture a guy who scores soundtracks to pornos in the 1980s would look like.)

The revelation came courtesy of a diligent internet sleuth going by the handle “One-Truth-5867,” on a reddit board, who stumbled upon the familiar tune while scouring YouTube for clues. (wink wink, sure thing buddy) Recognizing the names of Christopher and Philip in the video’s description, they connected the dots and shared their findings with the online community, setting off a wave of excitement and disbelief.

(Sidebar – the funniest part of this story is this guy on this message board posted the snippet of the song claiming “he heard it on Mexican radio”. When people asked what the fuck the moaning sounds were he responded “he was experimenting with recording devices” and the moans weren’t moans, but a by-product of trying to record the sound. The redditors of course cracked the code, figured out that in actuality he was just beating his meat, and he’s since scrubbed his profile. No longer able to bask in the glory of victory.)

The news rippled through cyberspace, reaching even Christopher Booth himself, who expressed his astonishment and gratitude on social media. It was a moment of vindication for the Booth brothers, whose forgotten work had found new life in the digital age.

Now, thanks to the wonders of the internet, “Ulterior Motives” can be heard in all its glory, albeit in a heavily censored form. But even in its sanitized state, the track retains its infectious charm/

And now, Christopher Booth he has shared a teaser video confirming that a “clean” new version is coming.

Clean, of course, has kind of a dual meaning here: not only are the old recordings of “Ulterior Motives” low-quality recordings filled with analog hiss, but one of the two versions now available on YouTube features the bedroom sounds associated with Angels of Passion. The new recording, at least in theory, won’t have any simulated sex going on to confuse your listening experience.

Gotta love the internet. And 80s porn. Muff and all. 

Christopher Booth if you’re reading this please hit me up. Would love to have you on the podcast to discuss. Dante@BarstoolSports.com

p.s. – For research purposes only, if anybody wants to  ̶w̶a̶t̶c̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶n̶s̶f̶w̶ ̶m̶o̶v̶i̶e̶ hear the original song in all its glory, here you go. 

s/o Caleb and Cole for sending this story my way

p.p.s. – s/o 80s queen Rocki Roads